My wish is near?

[k9krap]

I have felt like crap all day, struggling to breathe and pain /discomfort in my chest.  I’ve been trying to figure out if this is a verrrrrry long, extended panic attack or if it’s the real thing. I may not see 66.  I am worried as my deadline is 31 March, when my handicapped placard expires.  🤣🤣 (it’s funny because I don’t go anywhere anymore to use it.  When I do go somewhere, the places are taken.)

Hmmm.  Decisions.  I have one Penne meal left. I was saving it for the weekend as a special treat.  Maybe I should fix it now?

[minx]

Pam, you are worrying the crap out of me! Is there someone who can go check on you?

[k9krap]

No! No checking. I’ve been slowly dying. Purposely. I was giving a head-up in case I disappeared. Damnit. I nearly died after gastric surgery in my late 30s. My kidneys completely shutdown and I was in MCV ICU for over a week. I sweated a lot then, too, so I’m guessing this sweating issue is kidney related. I should have gone then. The ICU doc told me that he did nothing to save me - that “someone had a different plan for me”. Fuck.

[Dave's Not Here Man]

Well you just never know. Life is not life sometimes, other than the beating heart. Mere existence is not life. A dead tree can stand for decades at the mercy of the wind. I'm sorry you seem to have conceded your life in that vein. I have no desire to live beyond my ability to enjoy my life, to fulfil some kind purpose, or when what remains of it becomes burdensome to others. That being said, now that there's a grandson, I'm probably going to hold off on the DNR tattoo I've been planning to get on my chest, at least for a little while. 

[k9krap]

I’ve had a DNR for years. I don’t want to be stuck on a machine. But, see, John? You just made my point. I have no purpose. I’ve cared for my husbands, my parents, my sister (when she would allow it). I tried to assist animals in need. Now my body is tired and my spirit is deflated. I have no family, I’ve isolated myself so friends have gone by the wayside. This morning, as I was reading the news, I caught myself thinking, “damn I’d like to live long enough to see the aspiring tsar to get his due. That’s what I look forward to? Really? And now I no longer have the funds to pay anyone to help or be my friend.

This time of year really brings out the blues. Several years ago, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, the day was winding down and I noticed my left eye twitching. As usual, I was the last one to leave and I was securing the SCIF. My eye was jumping around. It wasn’t painful but annoying as hell. It continued through the holiday. My friend convinced me to go to the ER on Saturday. They did a CT but didn’t find anything that would cause this. They sent me home with Valium. It eventually subsided, but I think it was a psychosomatic reaction to the holiday.

Although my chest pains have subsided, I can still feel my heart bouncing around. I’ve had 4 sweat sessions already. And I have a horrible horrible headache. It came on as I was heading upstairs late morning. It’s one of those that kicks you hard even when you move your head.

[k9krap]

I just checked my bp to see if I was stroking. 272/165. Hmmm….

[Dave's Not Here Man]

I realized I was making your point for you because I think it's normal for people to see the sad logic in it. I understand. As stated several times, my father has been existing in a nursing home for a couple of years. His wife died a few weeks ago. He has very few moments of clarity and their gone as quickly as they come on. That's not a life you or I would choose and neither did he. How many friends and family do you thing come visit? And when they do is it for their benefit or his? I had hoped rona would've got him when he contracted it and saved him from pitiful existence, which very few people in this world deserve. Death is not the saddest part of life. It can also be what I call sweet relief.

Make sure to leave your final arrangements, if any, available so your friends here can pay our respects.


We love you.

[k9krap]

Thanks. But evidently it’s not my time. After forcing down some food (several hours after it arrived. The smell nauseated me.) and just dealing, the headache subsided a little. My BP is now a more normal (for me -186/142). Despite the affect these blood pressure spikes have on my kidneys, I’m worried about my eyes. I ran out of glaucoma medicine last weekend (CVS doesn’t accept PayPal credit). Funny thing is, I have an appointment in a couple weeks to determine how I’m tolerating the drops. 🤣🤣

Although my head still aches, the intensity has diminished.  I actually feel pretty good today.  Downstairs at a decent hour for a change.  

[k9krap]

My arrangements are in my will. I asked for the minimal. I’m not big on funerals or wakes and the person I assigned as my executor doesn’t either (there was no public funeral for either of her parents).  Both my parents suffered, even though they both had DNRs.  Mom was in constant pain, was blind (diabetes), was immobile (spent most of her day in bed) and had had 3 bypass surgeries  and a couple stents.  Dad had a bad heart (5 bypass surgeries - he swore the last was his final one - no more!), sleep apnea (at the end he had a tracheotomy to aid in the CPAP - he just could not tolerate one without it, a blood cancer of some type.  When he went into the hospital with heart issues on Dec. 26, he was in a regular room then his kidneys shut down so they moved him into ICU.  They were just monitoring him because of the DNR.  I begged them to try dialysis (they argued it was against his wishes, but I persisted.  When he was diagnosed with the blood cancer a few months earlier, his kidneys had shut down then, too, but they nudged him a little (not dialysis) and they sprang to life.  The dialysis didn’t work.  By this point, I knew he was gone - it was a feeling, you know?   It just didn’t feel like he was there.  I sat with him all day, for 2 days.  At first, his pacemaker kept shocking, keeping his heart beating, although it had been weakened so much by his sleep apnea that he was just laying there.  Finally, some from the lab came to disable it.  Still, it took many hours for him to finally let go.  I DON’T LOOK FORWARD TO ANY OF THIS!  I’ve been in constant pain since my mid 20s. 

And you should send your love to others more deserving than I.  My reflections have revealed some awful things about myself.  

[Dave's Not Here Man]

Thankfully no one can decide who deserves my love cept'n me. And you are more deserving of it than half the people I know.

[k9krap]

I nearly lost it today when I opened up Facebook and saw this as my memory. 😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😖😖😖😖



Jesus, I miss them so much!! And I am still devastated by what happened to them. I am so so broken.

[minx]

Pam, know that you are loved and will be remembered. And that you have friends, even if we're all online.

Like John though, I hate that you're suffering.

Did you get your drops? Can I call CVS and give them a card number? Like you I value my eyesight and would freak if I lost it.

And no complaints - you brought the Naughty Boys into my life - consider this payback!

[k9krap]

I get paid in a couple days (direct deposit, so I don’t have to wait until the 1st). Plus, one less drop means I’m not having to wait in a cold room for one eye drop to percolate before I add another. I may buy a vaporizer, though. My eyes have been so dry in this arctic weather.

And, John, I’m not living. I’ve made a prison for myself. Seeing my Keely huddled in the corner of a shelter kennel, trembling with terror, just made my soul shrivel up and die. I failed all 13 of those dogs. Every single one.

[k9krap]

[minx]

I realize you feel as though you failed your friends.

But the truth is that YOU were the one who fought for them to the very end. YOU cared for and loved each one of those babies. And YOU used every resource you had to speak for them and try to get them back to you.

They were failed by evil people - those in the community who failed to stand up for you, the evil people who reported you in the first place, and the very people who are supposed to protect animals - animal control itself.

I truly believe that Keely and every dog you have ever fostered and helped are waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge and my devout hope is that you see God and s/he tells you how much you are and have been loved before you can go spend unlimited time with your dogs.

And yes, I hope that those who took them from you see those dogs waiting at the Rainbow Bridge for them. And that they see God, and are judged appropriately.

[k9krap]

Thanks, minx. Although I speak of the bridge I honestly don’t think there’s anything after death. Just release and silence. I don’t do well in silence. I always have a radio, music, or tv going. (I got in the habit when I had dogs that didn’t react well to storms, guns, etc.). I’d leave the radio on for them in an attempt to drown out the offending sounds. Plus, I don’t have to deal with my own thoughts.

And, thank you for your offer!

Anyway, I’m still here now. Waiting.

[minx]

I don't know that I believe in an afterlife where we all are magically young and beautiful.

But I also don't know that I believe that we'd be in some sort of limbo where there is nothing but stillness either.

I think that either everything ends when we do - there is nothing afterwards, or if there is something, it's not in a form that we could comprehend in our current state.

[k9krap]

Oh, I don’t think there’s limbo. I think it is just death.

My dad did have one of those “white light” experiences. It was during the catheterization they did before his first bypass surgery. They injected the die into his arteries to look for blockages and blam - he’s dead! He said he saw them working on him - CPR, shock, etc. And he saw and was drawn to a white, welcoming light. He never told any of this until several months after the surgery. That was when I knew why he looked so terrified when we saw him being wheeled into the surgery suite. I had never seen my father afraid before - it really upset me.

[k9krap]

Now, I’ve developed a neck issue. I jammed my neck years ago when I fell down the basement steps and head-butted the opposite wall. 🤣🤣 True story! But that pain has been on the left side. Somehow, I did something to the right side recently. I’ve been taking muscle relaxers, but they make me drowsy so I try to use them only near bedtime. Heat has minimal affect. So far, cbd hasn’t done much. Aging is such fun!

[Dave's Not Here Man]

Yup. Happened to me on Christmas day while driving to our daughter's place. The Grand Caravan has the worst blind spots.... actually, the other Dodge's (Runraggo and the solver bullets) did too.... but anyway, I did a really quick snap-around to look out the left side and ho-----lee-----FUCK did that hurt! It went from the bottom of my earlobe straight down through my shoulder blade and into the space next to the middle of my spine. That was not fun. at. all.

[k9krap]

I think it’s a nerve. The pain is different from a muscle. After 2 days, it’s a bit improved. Muscle relaxers didn’t help much.